The Color of Fear Turns Five Circle next Monday on your calendar, preferably with a yellow highlighter. As of March 12, we've spent five years cowering under the federal government's color-coded Terror Alert System. The number of days the system has been in place (1,817 as of today) changes, but the color never does. It's always yellow ("Elevated" risk). And what's a patriotic citizen to do when the Fatherland is at Code Yellow? Not much, it turns out. Just continue to be alert for suspicious activity and report it to authorities. ("Hello, police? I think the neighbors are making brownies with enriched uranium again...") Yellow is a cozy terror alert level. After five years it fits like grandpa's favorite old sweater. When I see the little reminder crawling along the bottom of the screen on Fox News in the morning, I know it's gonna be an elevated-risk, don-your-kevlar-knickers kind of day. It's the Fabulous Fifties all over again (minus the "Duck and Cover" drills, of course---that would be silly). There are, of course, two higher threat levels, each with its own action steps. Level Orange---"High" risk---usually precedes an election and requires citizens to vote Republican or die. Level Red---"Severe" risk---is issued when the sky is alabaster and skin is dripping off your bones. It's the perfect time to dig into all those yummy emergency rations you've socked away. ("More powdered pork chops, dear?") And what of lowly level Blue ("Guarded" risk) and Green ("Low" risk)? They're scrapin' by, moonlighting as paintball targets at kids' birthday parties.